


> Be the replacement

by Dyzzyah



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-02
Updated: 2012-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-30 12:40:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/331831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dyzzyah/pseuds/Dyzzyah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>> Be Aradia Megido</p>
<p>You can’t. Sometimes you wish you could, but you can’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	> Be the replacement

**Author's Note:**

> This is meant to be a look into some of the thoughts of Feferi, regarding Sollux and Aradia.

> Be Aradia Megido

You can’t. Sometimes you wish you could, but you can’t.

You are Feferi Peixes, the Heiress, the Witch of Life, the highest of the highbloods, higher than any other troll on land or sea. You are loved by your friends, you have great plans for the empire you will see rebuilt, and you fully intend to herald in a new age of peace and compassion for all of trolldom, but you’d trade every bit of that in a heartbeat if it meant Sollux would feel for you like he felt, no, like he feels, about Aradia.

It isn’t jealousy, exactly, or not how trolls know jealousy; it’s closer to a feeling of longing to be her, or to be as special as she is. You have never wished harm or unhappiness on Aradia. You like Aradia. If you had talked more when she was alive, you feel sure you would have been best friends! But this new, cold robot she lives in, it’s just hard to connect with her. It’s hard for everyone to connect with her.

You can see how painful it is for Sollux. He loved her, and he loves her still, and he hates himself for his part, however unwilling, in her death. You know he blames himself, you know he misses her, and you know that you can never be to him what she was.

At first, you were fine with that. No two relationships are ever the same, just as no two trolls are, right? It was inevitable. But he could still be your matesprit, and you could still be the highlight of his nights, the one who could ease some of his pain, the one he comes to and cherishes, even if it isn’t quite the same. As much as Sollux loves duality, maybe even, if he doesn’t stop loving her (and you would never, ever ask him to), maybe he could still manage to love you just as much. A heart that beats for two, wouldn’t that be so like him?

But no. It isn’t the same. Not even close.

And trying to be something else? Not happening. You’re flushed for him, not pale, and you wouldn’t dare pretend to be anything else.

There is something of Sollux that you just want to see happy. You want him to smile, you want him to be happy and light and hopeful. You want to protect him, somehow, whether from the demons in his own head or from the monsters in the game or from the whole damned universe itself. When his eyes light up and his cheeks flush yellow, you want to know it’s because of you. When he flirts and uses those cheesy pick-up lines, you want to feel like you inspired him. When he jabbers on for hours, on any topic or none at all, you want to know, completely, that there is no one else he’d rather be with. And you want him to feel every bit as horns-over-heels flushed for you as you are for him.

You want to make him happy, but you’re pretty sure it’s Aradia that can do that, not you.

Oh, he’s sweet to you, of course! He talks to you like an equal, he plays with your silly fish puns, you laugh together, and it’s all just so wonderful! But somewhere in the back of your mind, you can’t help but wonder, would he feel the same if you weren’t cheerful like Aradia used to be? If your hair was not as long as hers? Would he kiss your lips if you painted them red?

If you died, would he mourn you the way he mourns her?

No, best not to think about that. It’s bad enough that he can barely stand to talk to her, since her death. Maybe that hurts him more than anything else, he lost both his best friend and matesprit in one stroke, and he still has to face her. He can’t forgive himself, but he wants to be with her so badly.

So. Where does this leave you?

You’re flushed for someone who, despite being almost everything you want, is flushed for someone else. You don’t think you can ever be sure of who he’s imagining when he strokes your hair or holds your hand. But even so, even if he’s thinking of someone else, someone you can never be, he’s smiling, and, right now? Maybe that’s enough.

 

> Be the replacement

You are Feferi Peixes, and you already are.


End file.
